As estate planning attorneys, we spend a great deal of time helping people to write the final chapter of their own lives, as opposed to letting the government or others write it for them. In many cases, this involves the precise use of wills, trusts, directives, and other estate planning tools to be sure a person’s assets and medical wishes are seen to exactly as that person wishes.
Another aspect of creating that final chapter, however, is giving thought to how you’d like to be remembered very soon after your passing. Do you want an elaborate service with certain music, flowers, poetry and the like? Would you prefer a more sedate memorial in a modest setting with just close friends and family? Like all other aspects of your planning, you should pay attention to these details in order to best smooth the way for those you leave behind.
I’m thinking about this today because, recently, I attended two funerals. The services played out in stark contrast to each other.
In the first case, the woman who passed had been ill for some time and had given time and attention to what she wanted her memorial service to look like. She was well-loved and the chapel was standing room only. A friend had created a beautiful slide show for her, a montage depicting all stages of her life. That show was played on a digital screen while another close friend played and sang a favorite song of hers.
There were beautiful flowers but most of the money that would have gone towards flowers was directed toward a favorite charity of the woman who passed. She’d made those wishes known to her family ahead of time.
I don’t know the family well enough to have asked about the preparations and what sort of effort it took to create such a beautiful memorial. However, I can tell you that no one was rushing around frantically, the whole service was beautifully presented, and the entire service felt like it had been custom-created for this particular woman.
The other memorial service was actually very nice as well. It was much simpler and there were fewer people in attendance – though this person was also well-loved and had many friends. An aspect of this service which struck me as particularly moving was that each attendee (since the attendance was relatively small) was given an opportunity to say something about the dearly departed. Some people talked about his many fine qualities as a family member and friend. Others had wonderful (sometimes tearful, sometimes very funny) stories to tell about him. At the end, everyone felt a part of the service and a little closer to the deceased and his family.
In this case, I do know the family well. Though I did not ask, the person on whom the duties fell to put the service together was quite candid with many in attendance about how difficult the service was to put together in such a short period of time.
The man who passed had, like the woman in the first service, been ill for quite some time. However, he did not make his wishes known as clearly to his friends and family.
As it turned out, the service was beautiful and meaningful. That, however, was due to the herculean efforts of the family member who took charge. The family member lived out of town, making his task even more challenging.
So, in the end, the difference was not in the extent to which the services were meaningful or moving – both were. The difference was in the burden placed on the family members left to make the final arrangements.
We all mourn in our own way. Each of us wants to be remembered in our own way. None of us wants to leave a burden for our family or friends to carry in the difficult days following our passing.
Take some time very soon to give your wishes careful thought. Then put those wishes down on paper so that those you love will know where to find them. A qualified estate planning attorney can help you to get this process started.